There were three in the bed and the little one said, “I’m staying!”
As a first time mum I won’t lie I had many ideals and expectations and lets face it, probably ridiculously unrealistic ones at that. But people just smiled sweetly as I rolled off my endless plans to the experienced audience.
At 6 months pregnant there I am perusing the local Nurseries to sign Blossom up to attend before she has even entered the world. Heck I had to get things in place ready to return to work 6 weeks after her birth as planned.
And I tell you now that I had every intention of getting back in that saddle, but Blossom had other ideas. From the minute our little lady was born she led the way and we learnt that you just need to go with the flow.
I’m naturally a planner, pretty anal, OCD, and I like to know the ins and out of a horses backside, but for this new journey and part of our lives, well I just hadn’t realised you couldn’t be scheduled and no book would prepare you truly for Motherhood.
There we are sitting in our NCT courses, naively thinking we were preparing ourselves for all eventualities and feeling quietly smug that on completion of our course we would be able to deal with anything thrown our way.
Ha, what were we thinking! Theres no way we could have been prepared. From the minute Blossom was born she just wasn’t your usual text-book Baby. I’ve watched friends with their little bundles who peacefully snooze in their Moses Baskets, you know whilst you catch up on sleep or do your chores.
Well we tried everything from snuggled securely in her blanket, even the frowned upon swaddle, but nope she would never settle. So I did the disgraceful act of co-sleeping. Yep I know I hear you all gasp but don’t worry at 22 months all is well.
I won’t lie I had pretty much read everything about the terrifying dangers in the past myself but when it comes to the 48th hour of no sleep and a distressed baby, well you just do what you need to albeit with much frowning from healthcare professionals and some friends.
Now here you are, my first ideology breaker because never ever would I have agreed that this was something we would do or prepare for. Hell I’ve lectured enough friends to kick the habit myself before its irreversible, but truly, I get it now because until your dead on your feet with sleep deprivation and just desperate for your baby to be settled and happy, well you just don’t know what you would do.
So you just go with your gut and what feels the best thing to do. Now I will admit, as much as well we felt happy with our choice and Blossom was finally settled, there was aways in the back of my head that awful fear that you I could crush her, suffocate or roll over and squash this tiny being.
The quality of sleep wasn’t really a deep and peaceful one due to this but I’d made a choice and decided against all the fear mongering I would continue. I sought out as much advice and support about Co-sleeping safely as we could and off we went.
And 48 months on well you guessed it folks, she is still in our bed. I think looking back I would do the same again because the second thing I learnt that you just aren’t told about, is sometimes babies just don’t and won’t take a bottle. And that’s the case for us.
Thankfully I had enough milk to feed the maternity ward, but there is just no words to express how exhausting exclusively feeding can be. Back to the ideology of a first time Mum, yes I hoped I could breast feed but I was totally open to bottle feeding if needs be too. I had no feeling of judgement and to be truthful I just didn’t care.
I would do what i wanted and if people didn’t like it, well tough tits. Excuse the phrase. But here I am with a baby that just wouldn’t and couldn’t take to any bottle. Now believe me when I say I tried them all because I did. Hell my kitchen cupboards are filled with them, but it wasn’t to be. I am really grateful I could feed but there are those nights/days when your exhausted or your seriously ill and well you just can’t rest up.
It’s all on you and its bloody draining. It’s such a mix of emotions. The bond you have and the feeling when feeding is indescribable, but months, days even just weeks later it can be the most dreaded of tasks. Yes tasks because by 9 months, hell who am I kidding, 4 months, you are like a blooming Zombie.
Cluster feeding is mental, every hour your pinned down with baby attached to your boob for the 20th time today and whilst Daddy is snoring peacefully away next to you, you are again on your own doing the 24 hour Milkathon! Blossom was a milk monster but it eventually became clear that it wasn’t just hunger she was satisfying.
I was her dummy, her comfort blanket and feeding continued pretty heavily until I eventually felt she was ready at 19 months to stop. Now everyone’s going to tell you that when they have solids this will all change. Milk won’t be their primary want anymore and feeding demand will lighten. Nope, Nope and triple nope! that didn’t happen. I had my own Mum telling me “she needs solids” at 4 months old ‘then she will go through the night”.
They don’t and most breast-feeding mummy’s will tell you this too. But here you are now a once strong, non doubting, confident individual, questioning your decisions and capabilities as a parent. Well I tell you this, through all my tears and copious sleepless nights do what you feel is right! Listen to you and only you because at the end of the day you’re the one doing it.
Your now this tiny persons survival kit. Your their everything and whilst everyone is throwing and gently passing (still annoying) words of wisdom your way, its you that carries the can. You that puts your own wants and needs aside, you that looks like and feels like a bag of shit with every breaking day and you that ultimately loves this human being so much you will do all you can and anything to make them content and happy.
So whilst yes there are three in our bed, there is a very content, nurtured, secure and gorgeous toddler who is thriving between us. No I didn’t follow the plan and nope she most definitely wasn’t text-book, but who is? really?
Fact: She has been the best contraception I have ever had on many levels *giggle/wink* But our choices have worked for us and B and at the end of the day, well that’s all that matters.
https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping/